There’s a lonely space, somewhere between wanting to connect and wanting to be so far disconnected that telescopes won’t find you.
I found this area once again recently, sitting on my couch, half-watching reality TV, half-thinking about throwing my cell phone in a fire just to see what size explosion might occur.
That’s probably normal, right?
The inner landscape of this feeling is not particularly welcoming, or pretty, which leads me to believe that traversing through is necessary, from time to time.
I don’t think I realized the need for space, the requirement of solitude and quiet, until adulthood, with marriages and friendships and parenthood– oh the neediness that comes from making a life!
My own neediness, not the child’s.
The child gets a pass– I was unprepared for staking my own space and time boundaries in order to make sure the child survived. To make sure I survived.
Looking back at my first marriage, I did not know how, at 23, to establish my own headspace to think my own thoughts. Sure, I absolutely knew I was ‘my own person’, and I wanted to believe I knew what I wanted. But isn’t that the biggest lie I ever believed, to think I knew what I wanted with a mere two decades of real consciousness under my hat?
No, I was winging it, all of it. And I was parked in my second marriage by the time I turned 25, because of all the things I was on this planet, alone wasn’t on the list. And I love a good wedding. Plus I am of the generation that came up sending emails by the age of 12. AIM instant messenger let me talk to complete strangers on the internet before I knew what a real creep was. I’ve never really been alone. Or, if I was, I wasn’t disconnected.
Yet alone time crystalizes the experiences of living, firms up theories on the operations of survival, and lays the foundations for making it through this life. Community does the exact same things, I realize, but I feel like the act of coming to terms with being alive is best done alone. Without silence and solitude, the influx of information, and also the subsequent sharing of information, is continually influenced and filtered by other people’s thoughts and opinions. I don’t think it’s possible to know yourself without separation of you from the surrounding folks. Parents, friends, strangers on the internet– all of it.
I’ve had to continually unplug, detox from the noise, and recenter in order to usher myself through to any semblance of sanity, and stop thinking so much. It’s taken some metaphorical face-plants to really get those ideas ironed out. Sometimes I find clarity on the ground; asphalt can be inspiring. But when I hit that really grinding place where I can’t hear myself anymore over the noise of it all, I know I need to hit the road, all by myself.
Alone time has felt almost impossible in the technological age that is still swelling into every crevice of life. The space and time we occupy at present is more ‘connected’ than ever. Hardly any space is a space held alone. And my whole treatise on how to live a good life is based on human interconnectedness– but there’s a balance. And all balance takes work.
What I’ve gathered about the art of sharing space is that it is not a science, though I suspect a certain guiding ratio of time-with balanced by time-without is called for in order to create a more perfect union. More importantly, I feel like time away from the daily-normal-me makes me a better person– which is not to say that I think my daily cleaning routines, mom-job, wife-work cohabitating business and *actual* job(s) aren’t important– they are. But I am better at all of that when I get time to be with myself. This applies doubly for the technological spaces I occupy– I’m learning how much less is so, so much more (for me).
I’m finding it very hard to want to be on the social medias– none of it is real, save a few good friends. The artificial is too much, and yes I know I sound like the TV naysayers of the 1950s, or maybe even the folks in the late 1400s who thought books would ruin us all. Maybe they did. But there’s the need for balance, again, asking us to live in the present moment with all its trappings and still be a good person.
This in-between space is treacherous.
I’m leaning toward thinking the time away from everyone and everything is more valuable than we’ve been led to believe. I miss reading and daydreaming, like I did in my youth. The time where I got lost in Robert Frost and Stephen King in the same weekend, and obviously made zero friends as a weird 11 year old. Right before the internet knew everything.
Somewhere in my upbringing I’m sure there lies a Biblical reference about how time not spent in work or worship leads to devilry. Sign me up. Let me be idle.
I will happily honor the spirit I’ve found in silence and solitude. And I will endeavor to honor the kid in me who needs to disconnect more often, and wonder and learn (and hopefully be better for it).
Time for and appreciation of oneself is essential to live fully. I think I am fortunate to live in a time and place where I can do this. Connections are welcome as well.